Back and forth…

I have been “in absentia” for a while as I have been thinking a lot about where I want to go with this “blog” thing.  I started writing partly to see what would come out but also because of a desire to offer some kind of support to others who might be going through what I have already experienced.  Kind of make lemonade out of lemons, you know.

As I’ve tried to sort out what I’m to do with myself since I left my old life (aka career) behind, I kept coming back to this idea that I could or should do something with all of this grief and loss experience.  If I combine that with my “professional” experience, well, I might really be able to do something.  I really want to.

I really want to see people suffer less from this terrible grief thing and be able to find an understanding shoulder to lean on.  I want to see people start talking about death and loss like it’s a reality that we all really know about and stop acting like if we ignore it, it will go away. Maybe then when it happens to someone we know, we can reach out a hand and feel comfortable being there- not just for a month or two, but for the years it may take for a neighbor or an aunt or the lady in the office to get back on her feet again.  I want to not see anymore people be shattered and fall apart  because someone they love so dearly dies and they can’t reach out for help because they’re supposed to just be strong and get on with it.  I really want to do something to change all of this.

But as I have worked to put together a plan of how to do this in a more formal way, I keep feeling this resistance nagging at me from inside. Rationally, I know that I have learned so much emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, even physically as I’ve worked my way through my own years of grief.  I know I have a lot to share.  How can I let all of this “experience” go to waste?  Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?  A lot of people do. But then, that’s the other side of this coin.

Now, I’m not one to back away from a challenge but… I have spent pretty much all of my adult life working through grief and loss, starting when I had just turned 20 and I lost the most important man in my life.  As years went on, every time it seemed that the ground might have gotten a bit more solid, another quake came along, one loss after another.

Recently, a whole new dimension has been added to my dilemma – a good one though.

I started Acupuncture treatments as an alternative approach to deal with some physical and emotional stress issues.  I have been amazed by the results, especially since I had no preconceived ideas as to how I would feel.

The biggest thing that pertains to what I’m writing about here today, is that I have for the first time, had these brief glimpses of a possible future without grief and depression and sadness.  Please don’t think that I walk around every day hanging my head like Eeyore.  I do smile and laugh and have fun and enjoy my life.

What I mean is that I can envision moving on in that way where that deep core of sadness, that persists for so long with heavy grief, will let me breathe again and I can choose to “do” something with myself that is fun and happy. Thus, the problem with doing grief work as some kind of  formal job.

I think there are ways for me to still offer support and caring to people- like writing here, and on my Facebook page, offering the Remembrance Jewelry that I make, and who knows what else.

But I think for now, something is telling me that it is my time to be free for a while- to fly a bit and just enjoy the breeze…

To better days

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14 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. trish
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 21:39:00

    I have taken Zentangle classes….art meditation..awesome.?

    Reply

    • Cindyss
      Jun 20, 2012 @ 20:34:26

      I definitely find that doing something creative helps me when I need to get calm and refocused. I am into knitting and am trying to get back into sewing. I have also started making more jewelry through my bead biz. I also realized that I have stopped listening to music so I’ve been cranking that up again and singing, which I used to do. I’m starting to remember some of the old me.

      Reply

  2. momshieb
    Jun 19, 2012 @ 22:29:17

    Good for you, on all counts, Cindy. For wanting to help and support (that always comes through in your writing), for recognizing your own needs, and for being ready to move into a new and happy phase.
    And I think that acupuncture is great! Paul and I have both used it in the past, and we’re about to take one of our dogs for treatment for a bad back!

    Reply

  3. bornbyariver
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 00:37:52

    Your heart will tell you day by day what you need. But you will always have an audience 🙂

    Reply

  4. Angela
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 07:17:12

    Thank you. So much. For your comments on my Blog, and for your own words here… the sharing is healing. I wish for us – peace.

    Reply

    • Cindyss
      Jun 20, 2012 @ 20:29:20

      I have found that peace really is a worthy goal in all of this. I am grateful that my words are helpful in some way. I am also so moved by what you write and how well you express the feelings and experience of losing a child. It is words like yours that can help people to understand what people need and maybe reach out that hand. I think it is very brave of you to share as you do.

      Reply

  5. Rebecca Carney - One Woman's Perspective
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 09:52:23

    Yes, to better days…hugs…

    Reply

  6. melodylowes
    Jun 20, 2012 @ 15:33:55

    I wonder what God is calling you to next? Exciting and terrifying all rolled into one – but whatever it is, it will be right, good, true, excellent and praiseworthy! And maybe you do need a break, a time to enjoy your new-found freedom, a time to renew and rejuvenate your spirit before entering into the pain of others!

    Reply

    • Cindyss
      Jun 20, 2012 @ 20:15:54

      You are so right- I am feeling more of the exciting these days which is so very nice and really focusing on living in the now. I certainly have learned how life can change at any moment so that’s a positive! I am curious to see where this all will lead…

      Reply

  7. huntersoledad
    Jun 25, 2012 @ 19:44:28

    Thank you Cindy. I have appreciated your writing and am also curious to see where this all leads you – and all of us.

    Reply

    • Cindyss
      Jun 27, 2012 @ 10:18:14

      It has been an interesting experience and I am hoping that I can find a way to do something that will make me feel happy and joyful so that I can still reach out to others. I know how lonely and hopeless it can feel along the way and we have to boost each other up to find the good that still makes life worthwhile.

      Reply

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