Pathways

I find myself struggling today, trying to sort out what direction to take with my life right now.  And I mean right now, this moment- I have started down a path that I believe is the one I should be on, finally, after many years of searching.

I used to have a career. A very solid career.  One I studied for and worked very hard at and I’d like to think I was good at, gaining a decent level of skill and achievement.  Then it just all became too much- the job, the family, the house, the grief, the pressures of life’s ups and downs.  My boss had also recently died and I guess that was just the last straw.

Unfortunately, when my house of cards fell, my passion for my work went with it so I found myself not only trying to put my life together again physically and emotionally but needing to find a new line of work.  And a new passion.

Finding passion in the midst of grief and exhaustion is not easy.  I have tried many things looking for this new life, things that I always wanted to do or had an interest in but just couldn’t seem to make  work.  They just weren’t in my heart.  I can’t tell you how frustrating it has been to want so much to move forward but have no idea where to go.  People would say “Just get a job doing something, at least you’ll be out of the house”  or “You’ve invested so much time in ….. why not just do it anyway”.  But that just wouldn’t work for me.  I know that sounds whiny or immature but it’s deeper than that.

Coming out of grief means becoming someone different and having had my passion for my work stripped from me as a result of the complexities of my particular grief was like a double whammy.  I never expected that could happen.  I can’t count how many times I have said “if only” in my life.  I still look back and wonder “why” when I am having a day like today, when I feel like I have wasted so much time searching instead of doing.  I sometimes feel embarrassed when around other people and I have to say that I am still working out the kinks of my new path.

But in truth, it really doesn’t matter.  That is one very big lesson grief teaches.  You see, all that matters is now and what I do with it. I have to remind myself of this constantly but I know that I can only move forward if I live in today.  If I continue to dwell on all of those yesterdays where pain and sorrow overwhelmed me then I will continue to go nowhere.  If I continue to berate myself for what I haven’t done, I will continue to be of service to no one.

Now I know that sometimes today will mean sitting on the couch reading a book or watching a movie and knitting because that is all I can muster for that day and that is ok. I have to accept that as a part of the new me too.  The difference is that I don’t fight against it.  It doesn’t feel bad anymore. It just is.  And I have developed a new set of skills to deal with what comes along with each new day.

I realize I may not get down my newly chosen path as quickly as I’d like but at least now, I feel good about the one I’m on; ready and able to take on new challenges… with passion.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. GLEN LORD
    Mar 08, 2012 @ 19:53:11

    The journey of Grief is a winding one, we we are new we are different, that which was one important is no longer and what we may not have noticed is now our passion. This is your journey, as long as you are not hurting yourself or others you did not make a wrong turn, go at your own sped it is the right speed. I like what you have to say.

    Reply

    • Cindyss
      Mar 08, 2012 @ 20:18:34

      Thank you Glen. It certainly has been a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I think back to when I was in high school and having a lot of fun…who would ever have imagined that life would be so complicated and challenging. I only hope that I can “pay it forward” as they say.

      Reply

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